Ever wonder why some kids seem to fear everything while others charge headfirst into new adventures? Some kids enter the world with a “look before you leap” temperament, their tiny systems on high alert for anything unfamiliar. About 10-20% of children, may need extra time and encouragement to warm up to new experiences. But if parents make accommodations or tip toe around their fears, these kids don’t get to work through their anxiety.
But temperament certainly isn’t the whole story! A child’s fear factor can be influenced by anxious parents, big and small traumas, or even unexpressed emotions bubbling beneath the surface. Imagine a little one holding in frustration about a tricky math problem, anger towards a parent, or jealousy about a new sibling – that emotional pressure cooker can manifest as anxiety instead.
There are other factors as well. Medical procedures or hospital stays can cause fear and anxiety. Understanding these factors can help you guide your child through their worries with patience, empathy, and the right balance of comfort and a gentle push to face those fears instead of avoid them.
Sometimes we know children are afraid because they tell us so, but at other times, it comes out in their behavior. They act out, they withdraw, or they’re aggressive. When a child is afraid, she feels alone. She feels as if she can’t figure things out, no one can help her, and she won’t survive.
Children experiencing fears need several things. They need reassurance and empathy, and they also need the encouragement to keep moving forward.
Last spring, I was taking a walk with my son and his eight year-old friend, Noah. We were on a beautiful trail overlooking the ocean. Looking down, you could see the crashing waves and an occasional sea lion. A lizard ran by our feet. But Noah was scared. He stopped walking and said, “I want to turn back. I’m too afraid.”
What do you say to a child who is in the throes of fear? If you tell him not to be afraid, or that there is nothing to be afraid of, you discount their experience.
Clearly these feelings were real. Instead of telling him not to be afraid, I listened to his fears and assured him that he was safe.
I also said, “I want you to go a little farther. We’ll be with you. I’m going to keep us safe. You can hold my hand if you want.”
Grounded and reassured by my empathy, he took my hand without hesitation and walked a little further, above the crashing waves. After about five minutes he stopped again and said he couldn’t walk anymore, he was too scared. Again we waited with him, and I told him we would take it slow, but that I wanted him to keep going a little more. And he did.
Like many kids experiencing fears, Noah was at times resistant. But he was also able to be honest and vulnerable, and he pushed himself to keep going.
He didn’t do what psychologist Larry Cohen would call “white-knuckling it.” As Cohen explains in The Opposite of Worry, “There is a small group of children who force themselves to swim or dive but are too tense to enjoy it. I call this ‘white-knuckling’ because of the way a person’s knuckles turn white from gripping tightly. The grip is a way to endure the unendurable.”
White-knuckling comes from internalizing judgment and holding on to the fear. That wasn’t how Noah moved forward; we nudged him to go on by facing his fear without judgment.
I was so proud of Noah that day. He told us he was afraid, but he took my hand and kept going. He experienced what Cohen calls “the face-and-feel-zone”—both being soothed and gently pushed out of avoidance. Cohen says, “To overcome fear, we need to spend time at the edge. The edge is the place where we face our fears, where we feel afraid but do it anyway—or at least take a small step closer.”
When kids are afraid they might shake, cry, or scream. Stay close in these moments, listen and assure them you’ll be right by their side. Feeling afraid feels bad enough, but being alone with our fears is even worse.
Things that you can say when children are afraid are:
“Wow, that was scary.”
“You look frightened. Would you like to hold my hand?”
“Even though everything worked out, I know you were really worried.”
“Something doesn’t feel right about this to you. I believe you.”
“It’s OK to feel exactly how you do. We’ll get through this.”
Things to avoid saying are:
“There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“Don’t be silly. Why are you afraid of that?”
“Don’t make such a big deal about it.”
“You see everything turned out fine. I don’t know why you were so worried.”
Why empathy and understanding is so important is that a child’s unrealistic fears might stem from something real that they can’t yet put into words. If we dismiss kids’ fears because they seem trivial, they will be less likely to share their deeper fears with us.
So stay close to your frightened child. Make eye contact and hold your arms out for her, letting her know that you are there and that she is safe now.
By acting as their anchor through emotional storms, you’re helping your child build the courage they deeply need—a courage that will serve them not just in the moment, but throughout their entire life.
