Expectations can run high during the holidays…and so can disappointment.
When the presents are opened, do you ever hear your kid say:
😢 “I wanted the LEGO Star Wars Millennium Falcon, and this is just a stupid spaceship set.”
😠 “This board game looks boring!”
😞 “I asked for a blue hoodie, and this is red!”
Holiday gift-giving can trigger disappointment for kids. Even when you know your child’s reaction is not about you, it can be hard to not take it personally.
And a child’s ungrateful attitude can push our buttons for sure! Especially if a grandparent or relative is giving us the evil eye. But we don’t have to give in to their disappointment by exchanging the gift for the “right” one or blaming them for being ungrateful.
What we can do, instead, is respond with empathy and acknowledgment:
✅ “That’s not exactly what you wanted. I know that’s disappointing.”
✅ “I know sweetie, this is different.”
✅ “She got the gift you wanted. I see.”
Acknowledgement doesn’t ensure a tantrum won’t come to the surface. In fact, sometimes it’s the acknowledgement that creates a safe space for the tears to come spilling out. And if that happens, just listen. You don’t have to say much or fix the problem.
Often, disappointment about a gift runs deeper than the gift itself. It can be a trigger for underlying emotions like feeling unseen or misunderstood or sibling jealousy.
The disappointment might echo deeper emotional experiences of not being heard or valued. When we dismiss these reactions as mere bratty behavior, we miss an opportunity to understand the complex emotional landscape beneath the surface.
If everyone had someone that held a loving space for us when we didn’t get what we wanted and acknowledged our sadness, it would make a difference. It would help us manage our disappointments…even as adults.
When we don’t get what we want as adults, it can trigger a number of things, including feelings of unworthiness or shame. Many of these feelings are rooted in early experiences. Most people have memories of being blamed or shamed for our desires and disappointments when we were little.
I remember a time when I was 8, and my mom took me grocery shopping. I asked for a few items, and she bought them all. However, when we got home, she lined them up on the counter and made me feel ashamed for the money she had spent on me. Looking back, I wish she had simply said, “No, we’re not buying these today” and helped me navigate my disappointment.
It’s good to want things. We all have desires as humans, and it’s good to ask for the things we want and make plans to see them come to fruition. And it’s also good to be able to help our child with disappointment. Of course they can’t always have what they want. But what’s important–and not always easy– is validating their disappointments and desires.
So as we enter the holiday season, remember that this time of year can evoke some of our deepest desires and biggest disappointments. Expressing your frustration to your kiddo or reprimanding them for being ungrateful or wanting something else, doesn’t help. Listening and acknowledging can heal the hurt of disappointment, making room for a happier holiday season.
