Let’s debunk a common myth: divorce doesn’t have to define your children’s future. It’s normal and healthy for everyone in the family to experience strong feelings when parents separate. But research shows that with the right support, children can actually thrive in the face of family transitions. Below we’ll explore practical strategies for nurturing resilient kids during divorce–open communication, validating feelings, managing transitions between homes, and maintaining respectful co-parenting and self-care.
The Importance of Open Communication
Separation can bring up feelings of loss, anger, and resentment. However, it can also provide relief for both children and parents if there has been ongoing conflict. The key is open communication and brief, but clear explanations. What is harder on kids than the actual divorce is unexplained tension, ongoing conflict, and being left to figure things out on their own.
What children need most during this time is for someone to explain the changes they’re experiencing and noticing in their environment. Divorce represents a significant shift:
- Homes change
- Authority figures shift
- Schedules are disrupted
All this upheaval can leave a child feeling anxious, resentful, and sad. That’s why open, honest, and age-appropriate communication is crucial.
Encouraging Questions and Validating Feelings
When your child asks questions, encourage their curiosity. For example, if they ask, “Who’s going to take me to practice on Fridays?” you could say, “Great question. I’m glad you’re asking me. This is really important.” This lets them know it’s okay to come to you with their concerns.
Don’t hesitate to say, “Great question, I don’t know yet.” if you’re unsure of the answer. Often, the feeling behind the question needs validation more than the question itself needs a definitive answer.
For instance, if your child asks, “Will I have to stay at Dad’s apartment?” instead of immediately answering yes or no, you might respond: “It sounds like you’re worried about changes to our home and routine. That’s a very normal feeling. I know this is hard.”
Guidelines for Separated Parents
To help your child navigate this transition, consider the following:
✨ Speak respectfully about the other parent when your child is around. No matter what the other parent has or hasn’t done, children are better off when both parents speak and act respectfully toward each other in their presence. Respect doesn’t mean avoiding boundaries when the other parent behaves poorly, but it does mean that limits should be communicated without personal attacks.
✨ Avoid displaying your frustrations about the other parent in front of your child. While separating parents don’t need to pretend everything is fine, it’s important to reserve emotional outbursts for when you’re with other adults. Venting your frustrations — whether by using strong language, making angry gestures, or even hitting a pillow — can provide a much-needed release. The emotions are valid and need an outlet, but it’s essential to express them to a trusted adult who can support you, not to your child or their other parent.
✨ Don’t engage in extended arguments with the other parent in front of your children. Witnessing heated arguments can be distressing and rock a child’s sense of safety. If disagreements arise, discuss them in private or when your kids aren’t present.
✨ Resist the urge to recruit your child to agree with your grievances about the other parent. This puts your child in an impossible position, forcing them to choose sides. Remember, they love both their parents and want the best for each of you no matter what has happened.
Supporting Your Child Through Transitions
Transitions between homes can be particularly challenging. Here are some strategies to help:
Connect with your child before and after transitions. One strategy I often recommend is special time. Spending one-on-one time where your child is in charge, even for just ten minutes, can help with the adjustment.
Empathize if your child expresses reluctance when moving from one home to the other. If your child is hesitant to come with you after an extended stay at the other parent’s house, it’s easy to take it personally. But what they really need in that moment is for you to respond with empathy:
- “I know this is hard, but I want to be with you.”
- “You’ll see your other parent soon.”
- “I’ll listen to you until you’re ready to come with me.”
During times of transition, it’s important to create a safe space for children to express their emotions. Encouraging open expressions of anger or sadness—whether about leaving or staying with a parent—is far healthier than suppressing those feelings, which can lead to withdrawal or acting out. By acknowledging and validating these emotions, you help your child develop emotional intelligence and increase their resilience.
After a child has had the opportunity to express their feelings about not wanting to go to one parent, they often find it easier to reconnect and enjoy time with that parent in the aftermath of the emotional storm. While it can be challenging to hear your child say they don’t want to be with you, supporting them through this emotional process can actually deepen your relationship with. By allowing them to voice their concerns and work through their emotions, instead of punishing them, you’re building trust and safety, and the likelihood they’ll come to you when they’re older with other worries or concerns.
Take charge of your child’s schedule. While it’s important to listen to their feelings about custody arrangements, don’t put them in charge of deciding where they’ll be and when. You can validate their unhappiness without putting them in control of decisions.
Taking Care of Yourself During the Process
While our children need us to be steady, sturdy leaders during this transition, we’re often not at our best when we’re going through a separation. Divorce is challenging for everyone involved, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed, uncertain, angry, or sad.
Sometimes, it’s only after the transition that we can reflect and gain perspective on the situation. This is why it’s so important to take care of yourself during this process:
- Practice regular self-care by engaging in activities that nurture you
- Connect with supportive friends and family
- Consider talking to a parent coach, therapist, or counselor
By taking care of ourselves, we’re better equipped to care for our children. Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers right away. What matters most is that we’re present, we’re trying, and we’re showing our children that even in difficult times, we can adapt, grow, nurture ourselves, and move forward together.
