“Repairing ruptures is the most essential thing in parenting.” Dr. Dan Siegel
As parents, we’ve all had those moments where we’ve reacted in a way we regretted with our children. Maybe we:
🤯 yelled harshly because one of our kids hit the other one ;
😔 said something insensitive because we were pushed to the limit,
💥 disciplined too severely in the heat of the moment.
While these parenting missteps are normal, what’s important is how we repair and reconnect with our kids afterwards.
Psychologist Eboni Webb says, “I often ask my clients, ‘What is one thing that you hate or regret about your own childhood?’ and they consistently say that ‘My parents could never say they were sorry. They could never take ownership.’”
The inability to apologize in a relationship can leave deep resentment that children carry into adulthood. That’s why repair is so essential in nurturing strong parent-child bonds and emotionally resilient kids.
Repairing with your child models emotional intelligence and accountability, builds trust and prevents built-up resentment. Repairing by reconnecting gives kids invaluable practice regulating difficult feelings. And listening to a child’s perspective when apologizing empowers them to express emotions and have a voice in the relationship.
One way to think about it is, there’s the hard moment itself, and then there’s how that moment gets processed. The moment alone is not nearly as impactful as the way we process it afterwards. That’s where the transformative power of repair comes into play.
One way to repair conflicts and make amends with your child is with the “R.E.P.A.I.R.” method:
- Recognize your part–acknowledge that there is something you’d like to apologize for.
- Engage the child– Find a good time when both you and your child are in a good place to talk about it.
- Present yourself as willing to listen to the child’s perspective.
- Apologize for what happened;
- Inquire if more needs addressing, and;
- Remind your kiddo of the value of your relationship and how important they are to you.
The process of disconnecting through inevitable mismatches or conflicts, and then repairing, gives kids crucial practice in self-regulating difficult emotions. These manageable doses of unpleasant feelings followed by the pleasant feelings of reuniting are what build resilience.
Perhaps most importantly, sincerely owning our missteps and apologizing with statements like:
“I’m sorry I yelled, that wasn’t your fault” shows your child you can be a grown up who isn’t afraid to admit imperfections. It proves your ability to reflect, grow, and prioritize the relationship despite challenges.
In the aftermath of your upset, you might say something like:
“I’m sorry. That probably felt scary. I’m working on a way to manage my big emotions when I’m upset.”
Or
“I’ve been thinking about what happened this morning and I wished I had asked you to cooperate in a calmer voice. I’m sorry. I love you.”
Consistent repair through adolescence can prevent built-up resentment that often leads to acting out. Unresolved feelings that fester and accumulate over time are precisely why kids often act out as they get older. But it’s never too late to repair.
With older children, you can offer thoughts about parenting patterns you’re hoping to change; “I’ve been doing some reflection. I realize now there are aspects of how I’ve shown up as a parent that I wish I could re-do. I’ve been thinking, reading, learning…and there are things I want to do differently going forward.”
Repair never undermines your position as the confident leader your child needs. Repair is what allows our children to bear witness to our growth as humans and parents.
Owning mistakes proves parents can be loving leaders who prioritize growth over defensiveness and authoritarianism. In essence, repairing conflicts through apologies helps us impart crucial emotional skills in an authentic way.
