As parents, our protective instincts surge when our child struggles with peer relationships. We juggle competing worries about whether our child is being hurt socially or is the one excluding others, whether to teach universal friendliness or honor personal preferences. From playground politics to friendship fallouts, navigating this emotional minefield often leads us to hastily “fix” situations or inadvertently dismiss our children’s feelings altogether.
Phrases like “I don’t want to be your friend” or “You can’t come to my birthday party” are normal in young children’s vocabulary. While these statements might sound alarming to us adults, they’re often just clumsy attempts at boundary-setting or expressing strong emotions. The key is responding with understanding while still teaching more respectful ways to communicate.
Separating Our Story from Theirs
When our child comes to us upset about being excluded or frustrated with a friend, our response often comes filtered through our own history. The sting of rejection we felt in third grade, the time we weren’t invited to the popular kid’s party, or even our adult experiences of feeling jealous can unconsciously color how we respond to our children’s situations.
Reflect on Your Own Friendship History
Taking time to reflect on our own childhood friendship experiences—both positive and painful—can be helpful. Ask yourself:
- How did the adults in my life respond when I faced friendship challenges?
- What memorable moments did I have with friends–good and bad?
- What unresolved feelings might be triggered when my child faces similar situations?
This self-reflection helps us differentiate between our own experience and our child’s current reality. When we recognize that our desire to “fix” a situation might stem from our own unhealed experiences, we can pause and see what our child actually needs in the moment—which might be different from what we needed at their age.
Notice Your Emotional Reactions
The next time your child shares something about a friend that doesn’t sit well with you, notice your immediate internal reaction. If you feel a surge of protective anger or anxiety that seems outsized to the situation, it might be your own history speaking. Take a breath and acknowledge your feelings. These are important parts of us that sometimes need to be witnessed without judgment.
This separation—between your story and theirs—creates the space for them to develop their own resilience, unburdened by an unresolved past.
When you feel overwhelmed by your child’s friendship struggles, try saying to yourself: “This is not an emergency and I don’t have to fix anything here.”
The Listening Approach: Being Curious Rather Than Judgmental
When your child comes home upset about a friendship or makes negative comments about another child, your first response sets the tone for how they’ll handle social situations moving forward.
Imagine your child says, “I don’t like Jamie and I don’t want to play with her.” Instead of responding with, “That’s not nice to say! Jamie is a nice kid,” try something like, “Hmm, I wonder what happened that made you feel that way?” or “I’m curious what you don’t like about her.”
Supportive Phrases That Open Conversation
Here are a few phrases that can transform these conversations:
- “I’m glad we’re talking about this”
- “Tell me more”
- “I believe you”
Wonder alongside your child, ask thoughtful questions, and reflect back what they share. This simple shift from judgment to curiosity opens a doorway to understanding what’s really happening in your child’s social world. When we validate their experiences first, children feel safe enough to explore their feelings more deeply.
Honoring Your Child’s Preferences
When my stepdaughter was in middle school, her mom had arranged a get-together with a friend whose daughter was the same age. My stepdaughter asked me later that day, “Why do adults think that just because another kid is our age, we’re going to like them or want to play with them?”
Her question struck me and made me think about how parents often think children should like and get along with everyone. We worry that if our child expresses dislike for another child, they’re being exclusive or rigid. But it’s perfectly normal for children (and adults!) to have preferences about who they spend time with. Not every personality meshes well together. Not every play style is compatible.
Teaching Respectful Expression of Boundaries
When we honor our children’s preferences while teaching them to be respectful, we help them develop authentic relationships rather than forcing connections that don’t feel right to them. Equally important, we help them trust their instincts about relationships.
For example, if your child yells to another child on the playground, “I don’t want to play with you!” and sticks out their tongue, you might later say, “It sounds like Noah is someone who is hard to have fun with. Next time, you could say, ‘I want to play with just Maya right now.'” This approach doesn’t blame your child for their feelings, but helps them express boundaries in a kinder way.
A good question to deepen this conversation is: “I’m wondering what you think makes someone a good friend versus someone you don’t want to play with?” This invites your child to reflect on what they value in relationships and helps them become more aware of their own social preferences.
Balancing Preferences with Social Skills: Preparing for Challenging Interactions
While honoring your child’s preferences is important, there are times when children need to navigate social situations with peers they find challenging. Family gatherings, playdates with family friends, or school settings all require children to interact with a variety of personalities. These moments present valuable opportunities to practice social skills.
Preparing Your Child for Potentially Difficult Interactions
When you know your child will be spending time with someone they find difficult, try this preparation approach:
“We’re going to my friend Donna’s house today. I know sometimes things get hard when you and Ben play together. Let’s think of some things we can do to make things go a little better while we’re there.”
This conversation acknowledges your child’s feelings while communicating that you expect them to manage the interaction respectfully.
Brainstorming Helpful Strategies Together
Together, brainstorm strategies that might help:
- “Maybe we could all play a board game together?”
- “Would it help if we plan for a shorter visit this time?”
- “Is there a quiet space you could go to if you need a break?”
End this conversation by reinforcing that you’re there to support them: “If things get hard while we’re there, let me know and we’ll take a break together to figure out a solution.”
What Children Learn From This Approach
This approach teaches several important lessons simultaneously:
- You validate their feelings about the relationship
- You communicate that sometimes we need to interact with people we find challenging
- You empower them with concrete strategies rather than just saying “be nice”
- You position yourself as their ally rather than their enforcer
Over time, these experiences help children build confidence in their ability to navigate a variety of social situations, even ones they wouldn’t choose for themselves. They learn that having preferences is normal and healthy, but so is developing the skills to interact respectfully with everyone.
The Power of Role Play: Rehearsing Social Scenarios
Children often process experiences best through play. Role play helps children explore difficult situations from different perspectives in a safe, low-stakes environment.
For instance, if your child is struggling with a playground bully, invite them to act out the scenario with you. “Let’s pretend I’m you, and you’re the child who’s been saying unkind things. What might happen at recess tomorrow?”
Benefits of Role Play for Social Learning
By switching roles, your child gets to:
- Experience the situation from the other child’s perspective
- Practice responses without the emotional pressure of the actual moment
- Discover new insights about the interaction
- Build confidence through rehearsal
The magic of role play lies in how it transforms abstract advice (“just ignore them” or “use your words”) into embodied experience. Your child isn’t just thinking about what to say—they’re actually saying it, feeling it in their body, and gauging your reaction.
Keeping Role Play Effective and Engaging
Keep these role plays playful rather than instructional. Follow your child’s lead, and don’t be afraid to be a bit silly or dramatic in your portrayal. The emotional safety of play creates the perfect conditions for learning and processing difficult experiences.
Role playing can be done with older kids as well. Afterwards, you might ask open-ended questions like: “How did that feel when you were Ana?” or “Did you notice anything you hadn’t thought about before?” These reflections deepen the learning and help your child integrate the experience.
The combination of perspective-taking, emotional safety, and physical rehearsal makes this type of play particularly powerful for children working through social challenges.
Nurturing Connection Skills Through Everyday Parenting
The foundation for healthy friendships is built through our everyday interactions with our kids. Children who feel a sense of agency and power in appropriate areas of their lives are less likely to seek power through negative social behaviors. When children regularly experience meaningful connection at home, they develop confidence that doesn’t depend on controlling others or being mean.
The Power of Play Connection
Connection activities where children can feel powerful through play help them navigate social situations better. This includes things like special time, roughhousing and play with lots of laughter where the adult is the more bumbly one who can’t quite do things right.
How Discipline Impacts Social Skills
Our discipline approach similarly impacts how children handle social challenges. When we use threats, punishment, or isolation-based strategies like timeouts, we inadvertently teach children that relationship withdrawal is an appropriate response to conflict.
Instead, set limits with empathy: “I can’t let you throw toys, even when you’re angry.” When children experience limits held with compassion, they internalize this approach and bring it to their own relationships.
Physical Play: Where Social Skills Take Root
One effective way to build friendship skills is through regular roughhousing and physical play. When we engage in playful wrestling, chase games, or pillow fights, we’re doing far more than just burning energy—we’re creating a laboratory for social learning.
Social Skills Developed Through Roughhousing
During roughhousing, children practice:
- Reading social cues: They learn to distinguish between playful aggression and real aggression by watching facial expressions and body language
- Setting and respecting boundaries: They learn to say “too rough!” or “I need a break” and see those boundaries respected
- Taking turns being powerful: The give-and-take of physical play teaches the rhythm of social exchanges
- Recovering from small upsets: When accidentally bumped or momentarily pinned, children develop resilience for minor social frustrations
- Negotiating rules on the fly: “No tickling under the arms” becomes practice for playground negotiations
The Science Behind Playful Connection
Research by Jaak Panksepp shows that roughhousing not only releases brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) which enhances learning, but also activates the brain’s social circuitry. When children experience the joy of connection through physical play at home, they approach peer relationships with more confidence and better-developed social skills.
In their book, The Art of Roughhousing, Larry Cohen and Anthony DeBenedet explain that this kind of play promotes emotional intelligence—a key predictor of social success. When you play in ways where you’re the “bumbly” one who can’t quite do things right while your child gets to be clever and powerful, you’re helping them build precisely the emotional toolkit they’ll need for navigating friendships.
Next time your child has friendship troubles, consider increasing rough-and-tumble play at home. You’ll be addressing the social challenge indirectly through joyful connection, helping your child build the neural pathways for better friendship skills while having a wonderful time together.
The Gift of Social Confidence
When we approach children’s friendship challenges as opportunities rather than problems, we give them an invaluable gift: the confidence to navigate relationships throughout their lives.
That emotional minefield we felt becomes less treacherous when we focus on supporting rather than fixing, and listening rather than lecturing. By listening, validating, coaching (not controlling), and teaching skills rather than imposing solutions, we raise children who understand both their own worth and the importance of treating others with respect.
Your child’s journey through friendships is about developing the resilience, empathy, and communication skills that will serve them in all relationships to come.
