We’ve all been there…
Your child is sprawled on the floor of the grocery store, screaming because you won’t buy the box of Lucky Charms they want.
Or maybe they’re in their room refusing to get dressed for school, yelling that everything is “too scratchy.”
Or your teen slams their door so hard the house shakes…
In these moments, we know we need to set a limit. But sometimes we’d rather walk the other way.
When Traditional Approaches Backfire
If you’re like most parents, you’ve probably tried everything. Maybe you’ve given in sometimes, just to stop the tantrum and get through the grocery store checkout.
Perhaps you’ve raised your voice or threatened consequences, only to watch your child become even more defiant. Or maybe you’ve found yourself freezing up, completely unsure what to do while your child’s emotions escalate further.
Some parents find themselves walking on eggshells, doing everything possible to avoid these meltdowns in the first place. Others get trapped in endless negotiations with their upset child, trying to reason with them even though they’re too emotional to think clearly.
The cost of these approaches runs deep. When we respond reactively—whether through harsh discipline or giving in—we teach our children that their emotions are either too big for us to handle or something to be suppressed.
Over time, this can lead to increased anxiety, more defiance, and a frayed relationship. Children may learn to hide their feelings or act out more intensely to be heard.
And let’s be honest about what it does to us as parents. The guilt after yelling at your child, the shame of losing control, the exhaustion of constant power struggles—it takes a toll on our own emotional wellbeing and confidence as parents.
Understanding What Limits Really Mean
Most parents think limits are about control. But limits, when set with clarity and compassion, are actually about creating safety and connection and teaching emotional regulation.
When a child is overwhelmed by big emotions, they’re caught in an emotional storm. They need to know that someone, who is calm, can help them navigate through it. This is where effective limits make the difference.
When we set limits with compassion, we’re telling our children: “I see your big feelings. They’re okay. I have to stop you, but I’ll help you manage your emotions safely.” This approach helps children feel safe, seen, and heard, rather than punished or shamed. Over time, they learn that all emotions are acceptable, even if all behaviors are not.
The CALM Method
This is where the CALM Method comes in. It’s a four-step approach that helps you set limits while maintaining connection with your child. Let’s break it down:
Containment: Creating A Safe Container First
The first step creates a safe container for their big feelings. If your child is hitting or throwing things, you’ll need to stop the aggressive behavior. This might mean moving to a quieter space or simply staying present while preventing unsafe actions.
Instead of yelling “Stop that right now!” try saying, “I’m not mad at you, but I do need to stop you. I’ll stay right here while you’re upset.” The message is clear: the behavior needs to stop, but the feelings beneath it are okay.
Creating a container of safety might mean getting down with them on their level if they’re crying, sitting on the floor in their room and closing the door while they’re upset, or moving them to a different room at your parent’s house.
Acknowledgment: Validating Their Experience
Before jumping to solutions or consequences, acknowledge what your child is experiencing. Simple phrases like “I know this is not what you wanted” or “This feels really hard right now” can help your child feel seen and understood.
You don’t have to agree with their reaction to validate their experience. A child who’s furious about not getting candy doesn’t need you to buy the candy—they need you to understand their disappointment.
Limits: Setting Clear Limits with Confidence
Now comes the actual limit-setting. The key here is to be clear while maintaining your calm presence. State the limit simply: “We’re not buying candy today”, “Hitting isn’t allowed in our family”, or “I won’t let you throw that.”
Remember, you’re not just saying no—you’re teaching your child what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. Your calm confidence tells them that you can handle their reaction to the limit.
Mindful Listening: Staying Connected Through the Storm
The final step is about maintaining your empathetic presence while holding the limit. This means staying regulated yourself (not always easy!) and connecting with your child’s underlying feelings, even as you maintain the limit.
It means getting down on their level if you’re not already there and not saying much. Seventy five percent of managing big emotions is just listening, with a few words here and there.
This might sound like: “I know you’re really disappointed about the candy. I won’t leave you alone with these feelings.” Your presence and understanding help them learn that they can survive disappointment and manage big feelings.
When your child can show you how they feel about not getting what they want, they learn that they’re not bad for having big feelings. Over time, it becomes easier for them to endure disappointment.
When we raise a child with this approach, they become resilient—able to manage pain and disappointment with increasing ease. We are raising a child who understands their emotions and isn’t ashamed of feeling them. Importantly, this approach cultivates humility and empathy, not entitlement, because they learn that their feelings are valid even when they can’t have everything they want. This equips them to handle life’s challenges with greater ease, rather than resorting to anger and adult tantrums when things don’t go their way later in life.
You might be thinking: “This sounds great in theory, but…”
“What if my child gets even more upset when I set a boundary?”
That’s normal and okay! Think of it like a storm that needs to pass—emotions often get bigger before they settle. Your calm presence during this escalation teaches your child that these feelings are manageable. That they’re not bad for having emotions—we all do.
“But I sometimes lose my cool…”
We all do. The key isn’t perfection—it’s repair…and the tools to do better next time. When working with parents, I teach them not only how to set limits and listen to their child, but also how to manage their own emotions and calm their nervous system when things get heated.
“What about public tantrums?”
The CALM Method works anywhere. Focus first on safety and containment, then move through the other steps as you’re able. If you’re in a public place or at a relative’s house, maybe you move your child to a quieter space with fewer people.
If you have a critical onlooker, you can always say, “We’re just having some technical difficulties here.” The calmer you remain when others are watching, the more at ease everyone feels.
Implementing the CALM Method takes practice. Very few of us have a template for this. In fact, most of us are wired to respond with anger, anxiety, or immediate problem-solving when our children are upset. Most of us parents weren’t listened to when we had big feelings as children, so it doesn’t come naturally to do so with our own kid.
The key is compassion—both for your child and yourself. It can be helpful to remember, your child’s big emotions are not an emergency. When you stay calm and connected while holding limits, you’re teaching them one of life’s most valuable lessons: that their feelings are manageable and that they are loved—even in their hardest moments. This is what helps them ride the storm and come out stronger, more cooperative, kinder, and empathic on the other side.
Want to bring more calm to your parenting journey? Ready to learn more about implementing the CALM Method in your family? Join my email list and receive a list of one-liners that will help you know exactly what to say when your child is in the middle of a meltdown.
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